What Happens When DESI Returns from US?

• Tries to use Credit Card in road side Hotel.
• Drinks and carries Mineral Water and always speaks of Health. (proving to be very health conscious).
• Sprays DEO such so that he doesn't need to take bath.
• Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.
• Says
  
• "Hey" instead of "Hi".
• "Yogurt" instead of "Curd".
• "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
• "Candy" instead of "Chocolate"
  
• "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
• "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
• "Got To Go" instead of "Have To Go".
• "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
• Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
• Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilometers), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
• Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).
• Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.
• When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y, Zee (but never says Zed).
• Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY & on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"
• Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
• Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".
  
• Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.
• Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.
• Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
• Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "Mojule".
• Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
• From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.
• Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
• Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."
• (Source: Chain email from the Internet)
  

Philosophies of Sex

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other e eight are
unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting m married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Charming Cotes

• Desperate times call for desperate measures
  
• Perfection reveals itself only in the presence of many, many imperfect options
• Misery loves company
• When you are in a whole, stop digging
• New Technology owes Ecology an Apology
  
• Perfection in planning is a symptom of decay
  
• Irony:
• When the remedies turn out to be the disease
• Decaffeinated Coffee
• Riskless Risk
  

Random Sentences...

• No Pain... No Gain... No Brain... No Pain...
• Make a wish... or Make it happen...
• Coverage of "Lack of Coverage" (w.r.t. Ms. Spears)
  
  

IAMs: Innovative Analogies and Metaphors

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's (2005) winners.....

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  
• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  
• He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
  
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
  
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
  
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
  
• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
  
• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  
• The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Do words speak louder than actions?

• Hoot - funny person
  
• Boonies - back country; undeveloped rural area
• Nuking Futs - *ucking Nuts
  
• Yucking Fankees - *ucking Yankees
• Morbidly Obese - *ucking Fat
• Holy Shit - Soly Hhit
• Mel Gibson - Gel Mibson
  

What a day...

• Potty humour: two women talking on the phones and thinking that they are talking with each other...
• One guy to the other (on the phone) in the bath room.. "If I were you, I would not do that..."
• Ask a tele marketer... if you can have their home number... oh you do not like calling people your hime.. me neighter..
• You spent 1500 on crack... no.. that is an abbreviaton for crackers... You spent 1500 on crackers... :)

Positive.... Negative.....

• Bump... Dump...
• Cradle... Grave...
• Overheard... Eves-dropping...
• Womb... Tomb...
• Vice... Virtue...
• Diagnosis... Prognosis...
• Snooze... Loose...
• Putup... Shutup...
• Chance... Dance...
• Confusion... Conclusion
  

Best web links....

• International High IQ Society
• Clay Mathematics Institute Millennium Math Problem
• MyHeritage - Face Recognition Web Application
• Ian Angell
  

Dis....

• You are so UGLY that when your mom dropped you off in the park, she got a ticket for littering
• You are so UGLY that when you looked into the miror, your face broke
• You are so UGLY that that you scare people even with the lights out
• You are so STUPID that you took 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
• You are so STUPID that you walked into an antique store and said what's new
• You are so STUPID that you look at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate
• You are so STUPID that you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company
• You are so STUPID that you took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
  
• You are so OLD that you pee out dust
  
• You are so FAT that when you sat on a penny, you broke Abraham Lincoln's nose
• You are so FAT that when you sat on a doller bill, you turned it into 100 cents
• You are so FAT that you had to put lipstick with a paint-roller
• You are so FAT that you had to go to Sea World to get baptized
• You are so FAT that you got your own ZIP code
• You are so FAT that when you tripped on 10th St., you landed on 22nd St.
• You are so FAT that you had to iron your pants on the driveway
• You are so FAT that when you step on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please"
• You are so FAT that you got more rolls than a bakery
• You are so FAT that you got more chins than a Chinese phone book
• You are so FAT that when you take shower the water never touches the ground
• You are so DUMB that when your mom asked to you to turn off the tv, you asked which color
• You are so DUMB that you starved in a grocery store
  
• You are so BORING that when threw a boomrang, it did not come back

Tough Choice: What is right?

• Amen! or A-men!!
• Pundit! or Pun-dit!!
• Pole Dance! or Poll Dance!!
• Pull My Finer! or Pole My Finger!!
• Good News! or Good Noose!!
• Aaw Snap! or Oh Snap!!
• Therapist! or The Rapist!!
  

Sword vs. Word

• Cheap vs. Heap
  
• Check vs. Heck
  
• Cheering vs. Eering
• Click vs. Lick
• Claw vs. Law
  
• Code vs. Ode
• Dire vs. Ire
  
• Fire vs. Ire
• Gold vs. Old
  
• Howl vs. Owl
  
• Nice vs. Ice
• Number vs. Umber
• Plate vs. Late
  
• Rape vs. Ape
  
• Selection vs. Election
• Sex vs. Ex
• Shit vs. Hit
• Slap vs. Lap
  
• Spoke vs. Poke
  
• Sweep vs. Weep
  
• Sword vs. Word
• Tape vs. Ape
• Task vs. Ask
  
• Tearful vs. Earful
• Terror vs. Error

Idioms...

Some of the idioms....

• Let the problem work itself out....
• Let the law take its own course....
• She got knocked up last year.... (to impregnate)
• I am beat.... (tired)
• If shit hits the fan....
• Eat your wheaties....
  

NEWSHIT: No Wonder English Is So Hard To Learn

• We polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• A farm can produce produce.
• The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
• The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
• The present is a good time to present the present.
• At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
• The dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
  
• I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
• I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Linguistic Equations...

• Garbage - b = Garage
• Angus - g = Anus
• Scar - s = Car
• Confusion - con = Fusion

Reverse... Esrever

• Leg... Gel...
• God... Dog...
• Stop... Post...
• Pot... Top...

Strange English

• A group of crows is called a murder.
• The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."
• The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
• "Bookkeeper" is the only word in English language with three consecutive double letters.
• The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

Her ardor is immense...

• Tangential (adj): incidental, peripheral, divergent
• Ardor (n): extreme vigor, energy, enthusiasm
• Mundane (adj): concerned with the world rather than with heaven, commonplace
• Evince (v): to show, reveal
• Congruity (n): the quality of being in agreement

Since she is clever, intelligent, articulate, royal and adept, she evinces plenty ardor in any conversations, however mundane or tangential to the main conversation. Moreover, most the time, her arguments are in congruity with the popular public opinion.

Is torrid affair a forum for amorous behavior?

• Forum (n): a medium for lecture or discussion
• Amorous (adj): showing love, particularly sexual
• Convention (n): an assembly of people, a rule, custom
• Torrid (adj): giving off intense heat, passionate
• Penultimate (adj): next to last

The inaugural convention of computer scientists, who met in the penultimate Thursday in September, provided a forum for the scientists to discuss the technology conventions to be followed by general public. My amorous gestures with my high school sweetheart resulted in a torrid extra-marital affair.

Altercation avoided narrowly...

• Florid (adj): flowery, ornate
• Altercation (n): a dispute, fight
• Intimation (n): an indirect suggestion
• Regurgitate (v): to vomit, to throw back exactly
• Construe (v): to interpret

Unfortunately, my love letter, filled with florid language, did not quite impress her. She construed it otherwise and made an intimation that I should not be do that again anymore. I was glad that the whole episode did not lead to a huge altercation between me and her. Moreover, I also decided not to regurgitate at her or anyone as revenge.

Famous = Not being infamous?!?

• Discern (v): to perceive, detect
• Utopia (n): an imaginary and remote place of perfection
• Munificence (n): generosity in giving
• Banal (adj): dull, commonplace
• Infamy (n): notoriety, extreme ill-repute

It is hard to discern her feelings through either verbal or non-verbal clues. Seriously, do you think you will be happy in a Utopia? If I am ever rich, I would definitely be munificent to my near and dear. But, on the other hand, I recognize that money does not make a banal life style exciting. In Hollywood, not being infamous is what one needs to be famous.

Pun intended when some words are Spun...

• An "Ode to Joy" cannot be interpreted as "Code to Joy"
• A Deal often turns out to be an Ideal for someone
• A Bout sometimes turns out to be About something controversial
• An Ace is determined in a Race
• A Mazing personality sometimes turns out to be Amazing quality

Time for some dose of idioms....

• Go to the wall - to go bankrupt or to lose money
• Cutting the cheese - ahem... f*r*ing
• Burning mid night oil - to study until very late at night
• Burning the day light - to sleep late even after the sun rise
• Crazy about (someone) - think that another person is wonderful

I cannot afford to lose my job if the company that I work for goes to the wall. It is really bad idea to cut the cheese in public. Here I was burning the mid night oil in preparation for my upcoming exams, my parents are certain that I am burning the day light. On the other hand, I am really crazy about her.

Boy... that is some innovative Greek 'n' Latin.. or what?

• Perfidious (adj): disloyal, unfaithful
• Innovate (v): to do something in an unprecedented way
• Congenial (adj): pleasantly agreeable
• Surfeit (n): an overabundant supply or indulgence
• Fecund (adj): fruitful, fertile

I think she has the best congenial manners. But I heard rumors about her perfidious flirtations with other men. Maybe they are true or maybe they are just an innovative way to tarnish her image. I hope and pray that the surfeit efforts of her critics do not bear fecund results. Boy... that is some Greek 'n' Latin.. or what?

Am I carping?

• Carp (v): to complain, criticize, find fault
• Grandiose (adj): on a magnificent or exaggerated scale
• Reconcile (v): to return to harmony; to make consistent with existing ideas
• Veracity (n): truthfulness, accuracy
• Disaffected (adj): rebellious, resentful of authority

I made grandiose plans to celebrate her birthday. But I still need to reconcile my differences with her. The veracity of the conversations that we had is still unclear. And, of course, my boss thinks that I am a disaffected employee and I cannot stand my neighbor's carping about her nagging boss.

Pithy comments....

• Pithy (adj): concisely meaningful
• Conciliatory (adj): friendly, agreeable
• Euphoric (adj): elated, uplifted
• Prurient (adj): eliciting or possessing an extraordinary interest in sex
• Disheartened (adj): feeling a loss of spirit or morale

I was euphoric when I got VISA for USA. However, I realized that I need to be pithier in my English speaking. Also, I should improve my conciliatory gestures to build better non-verbal communication skills. I also decided to cut back on my prurient pursuits. But all of this makes me feel disheartened.